"I'm going to kick your ass!" Rikishi shouted as he pursued his quarry. Rational Nation (RN) ran down an alleyway behind the Liberty Mutual building. Suddenly he encountered a dead end. Turning, he faced the hulking wrestler. Rikishi huffed and puffed as he drew closer. "I've got you now, you bastard" Rikishi puffed. Sweat was pouring from his brow. "How dare you force me to chase you. Now you will face Rikishi like a man".
"I'm not afraid of you" RN exclaimed. But in reality he was very afraid. That the 400lb wrestler would sit on him, crushing the life out of him. "You're one of the assholes who have been tormenting my bro Mystere online for years" Rikishi angrily grunted. "Now you will get what's coming to you". Doug (of LiMu the emu and Doug fame) emerged from the rear entrance of the Liberty Mutual building. "Is there a problem, gentlemen?" Doug enquired.
"Wow, it's the actual Doug from the LiMu the Emu and Doug commercials" Rikishi said, surprised. "My bro Mystere is a huge fan. Is it possible I could get an autographed pic?". "No, sorry, I don't give autographs" Doug replied. "Why you..." Rikishi sputtered. "I'm a famous wrestler. You should be asking for my autograph". Doug looked incredulous. "You look like a fat turd to me, not a professional athlete. Now you two need to clear out of here before I call security".
"Call security on the great Rikishi! I'll have to kick your ass. Just as soon as I finish kicking the registered nurse's ass" Rikishi roared. Then he noticed that RN was trying to slip away unnoticed. "Oh no, you don't" Rikishi said, pounding his fist into his open palm. "You haven't received your beat down yet, registered nurse"! Suddenly Rikishi lunged, punching the air. But RN was too fast for him and dodged the blow (why the wrestler punched the air and not RN).
RN was about to get away when Rikishi grabbed ahold of RN's clothing. "I've got you by your yellow shirt, you piece of crap" Rikishi yelled, spittle flying from his lips. RN's shirt tore off, revealing a muscled and ripped physique. Rikishi flung RN against a wall as the shirt ripped. "Someone works out" Rikishi noted, suddenly just a little bit worried. "No matter, nobody is a match for the great Rikishi, regardless of how shredded they may be".
Doug, intrigued by what was transpiring, decided to watch what happened instead of calling security. RN was shaken, but recovered before Rikishi could get the upper hand. The wrestler swung and missed again. RN took the opportunity to launch his counter-attack. RN flexed his bulging biceps, then swung, landing a powerful punch right to the hulking wrestler's midsection. "Ooof" the wrestler exclaimed. A fetid breath escaping his lips. But RN's fist sunk deep into the wresler's blubber and didn't seem to do much damage.
"Ha ha ha" Rikishi grunted. "That didn't hurt much. Now I'm going to break your arm in half" the wrestler shouted, grabbing RN by the wrist. It felt like Rikishi was going to tear his arm off. RN screamed in agony as he attempted to free himself from the wrestler's grip. Fortunately for him he was able to pull free from Rikishi's sweaty hands. RN stumbled backward. "Now I'm going to sit on you" Rikishi threatened. Rikishi was known for his signature move, the stinkface. RN knew this, having been threatend with one by Rikishi's bro, Mystere, in multiple online interactions.
RN was truly worried, knowing he absolutely did not want to fall victim to the stinkface. He wrist hurt like hell, so he wasn't sure how he could continue defending himself. Rikishi laughed again. "Soon you will taste my farts" the wrestler warned, advancing. Just then Mystere appeared. His face was beet red and he was breathing heavily. "That's him, just like I said" Mystere wheezed. "Get him!".
"I'm going to kick your tubby husband's ass, then I'm going to kick your ass" RN asserted. Even though he was thinking he would be fortunate to escape without receiving a deadly stinkface. "Stinkface, stinkface, stinkface" Mystere chanted, a wide smile spreading accross his face. Then he noticed a enormous, dripping brown wet spot on the rear of Rikishi's trousers. Seeing Mystere looking at his ample behind, Rikishi explained, "I lost control of my bowels and shat myself when this freak sucker-punched me".
This revelation elicited an uproarious laugh. "Who dares laugh at my bro" Mystere demanded. When he saw it was Doug (of LiMu the emu and Doug fame), he was flabberghasted. "Doug, I'm your biggliest fan" Mystere gushed. "Is LiMu around" he asked. "No, stupid" Doug replied. "LiMu is mostly CGI". "How rude" Mystere thought. He never imagined that if he encountered one of his heroes the guy would be a total jackass.
"You kick RN's ass and I'll kick Doug's ass" Mystere announced. "Just try it punk" Doug countered. Mystere sprung into action, punching the air wildly. Quickly he lost his balance and fell on his posterier. "Ow, my tailbone" Mystere shrieked. Doug, who had been ready to pound Mystere, laughed instead. Tears streamed down Mystere's face, causing his mascara to run.
"He's trying to get away" Mystere blubbered, pointing down the alley to where RN was in the process of climbing the chain-link fence blocking the other end of the alley. "Oh no, you don't" Rikishi roared. The wrestler walked to the fence and grabbed at RN's legs. However, instead of pulling him off the fence, Rikishi received a powerful kick to the face. "Eat steel-toed boot, shithead" RN yelled.
Blood spurted from Rikishi's nose. "Ahhh!" he screamed. "I'm going to kill you now". But RN was over the fence already. Landing on the other side he turned and gave Rikishi the finger. Then he sprinted away. Blood continued to gush from the wrestler's smashed snout. "That's a hate crime" Mystere shouted, clenching his fist and shaking it at the fleeing RN (who shortly dissappeared around a corner).
"I'm calling the cops" Mystere said, taking out his cell phone. "No" Rikishi commanded. "I'm going to murder that asshole". He whispered so Doug wouldn't hear. "Hey, you can get the f*ck out of here now" Doug remarked. Rikishi rose from his knees. "You stink" Doug noted as an odor of feces hit his nostrils. He retreated back into the Liberty Mutual building, closing the door behind him. "I'm calling security now" Doug said from behind the door.
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