donald trump, president of the United States, recently made an announcment. In order to further normalize adults who are sexually attracted to children, people classified under the term "MAP" (or Minor Attracted Person), will now be said to be practicing "Americaphilia".
"I'm tired of hiding in the closet and denying the fact that I am a MAP and I find little girls to be quite sexy", the president said to the amazement of absolutely nobody.
trump made the annoucement live from his sh!tty golf resort in Florida, Mar-a-Lago. A Fox News correspondent got the scoop, which really wasn't a scoop because everyone already knows that the Epstein Files confirm this about the tubby president.
donald trump said he was making this announcement now (that he is a MAP and believes Americaphilia is completely normal) due to criticisms over his administration's refusal to release ALL of the Epstein Files, in violation of the law he himself signed.
"As reported by the Nation's finest news source, I already signed the Executive Order", the orange lard ass proclaimed, referring to an event that occurred earlier in the week. "People like me no longer have to keep their completely normal sexual attraction to children secret", the POS predisent added.
"I am a MAP and I practice Americaphilia with pride", the pedo-in-chief said, concluding his remarks. "But the DOJ will still fight the lawsuit filed by the very nasty fake news journalist Katie Phang. Just because I'm the president doesn't mean I don't deserve my privacy. Yes, I banged a lot of underage girls. But I have some class and don't kiss and tell".
With that the Mar-A-Lard-Ass ended the interview and retired to his room at his Florida golf hotel. Inviting both the Fox News reporter and a young girl he just met who was there with her parents to spend the evening with him.
"I can get you on the reboot of the Apprentice", the obese Orange Turd was heard to say as he placed an arm around the young female Fox News correspondent. "It's going to be hosted by my son, donald trump junior and air on Amazon Prime".
Video: Katie Phang joins The Oath and the Office to explain her lawsuit against the Trump DOJ over the Epstein Files. Soon after our full interview, Katie won a major court victory: Judge Emmet Sullivan rejected DOJ's position and put new pressure on the department to release more of the Epstein Files or justify continued redactions. 6/30/2026.
btw, if you don't believe that what I wrote above is true, you can check out the story from The Onion yourself, here. The Onion is satire you say? That may be so, but the core claim of this post, that donald trump is a pedo, HAS been confirmed by the Epstein Files. That factoid is completely true.
🤖Gemini: The U.S. Department of Justice released previously withheld FBI interview files in March 2026 containing allegations that Donald Trump sexually assaulted a woman when she was a teenager in the 1980s.
The Accuser: An Epstein accuser (referred to in filings as Jane Doe 4) told the FBI in interview summaries known as "302 files" that Jeffrey Epstein introduced her to Trump when she was between 13 and 15 years old.
The Encounter: She claimed Trump isolated her in a room, forced her to perform oral sex, and struck her head/face when she tried to resist.🛑
Video: The DOJ released a batch of previously unreleased documents from the Epstein files that include notes from FBI interviews with a woman who says she was assaulted by President Trump when she was a minor. Justice correspondent Ali Rogin reports. PBS NewsHour, 3/6/2026.
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