Mystere walked to the mailbox located at the end of his driveway in an Orange County California suburb. He was really depressed after the midterm election results. Mystere voted a straight GOP ticket, yet the OC threw out all their republican representives and replaced them with Democrats.
"This must be part of God's plan" Mystere mused. Soon the Deep State witch hunt will be revealed and Hillary Clinton will be arrested and jailed. Then (in 2020) Donald Trump will be elected to a 2nd term. As fireman Mark Taylor had prophesied. Just thinking of Satan's minon (the Hildabeast) behind bars caused Mystere to smile. He started skipping and chanting in a sing-song voice.
"Lock her up. Lock her up". No matter that it hadn't happened yet. Any day now Mystere was SURE that the headlines would read Hillary Clinton Arrested. Now that Jeff Sessions had been replaced with Matthew Whitaker, the Clinton arrest was sure to happen any day.
Mystere reached the end of the driveway. Opening the mailbox revealed a number of envelopes, most of them bills addressed to his husband, Rikishi. The house husband was so glad that he didn't have to worry about such things any longer. Rikishi, a successful world famous wrestler, was fairly well paid for his work as a WWE performer.
Mystere was about to close the lid when he noticed a package pushed all the way to the back of the box. Reaching in Mystere grabbed the parcel and withdrew it. Printed on the front of the rectangular box wrapped in brown paper was his name, Mystere. In the upper left hand corner, instead of a return address, the sender had written a friend. There was no postage or postmark. "I wonder what this is?" Mystere pondered. Possibly a mail bomb?
Mystere took the mail (including the bomb) inside. After dropping the bills on his husband's desk, Mystere looked around for his canine, Buttstink. "Is this a bomb, Buttstink?" Mystere held the box close to Buttstink's nose. "Buttstink says no" Mystere declared after reading the dog's expression. He shook the box violently. "I think that would have set it off" Mystere concluded. He placed the box on the kitchen table, then tore off the wrapping.
Removing a sharp knife from the butcher block, Mystere sliced into the packing tape that sealed the unwrapped cardboard box. Suddenly he slipped and cut a deep gash into the side of his hand. "Owww! My hand" Mystere screamed, dropping the knife. Blood sprayed from the wound. Mystere ran to the kitchen sink and ran cold water on his hand. The pain was unbearable. Mystere almost passed out from blood loss. He started crying.
"No, Mystere. Be a man" he commanded himself. Then he grabbed a kitchen rag and wrapped his owie. "F*ck the asshole who sent me this cursed package" Mystere lamented. But the box was open, so Mystere decided to look inside. Bending back the cardboard flaps, Mystere found an envelope. On the envelope it said To Mystere from your friend, Pookie Toot Toot. What could it be, Mystere wondered. Placing the envelope aside for the time being, Mystere dug into the packing peanuts.
Eventually Mystere fished out a half dozen paper envelopes. Written in crayon on each of the envelopes were the words Astral Mushroom Spores. "Am I supposed to smoke or snort them?" Mystere wondered. Maybe the letter would provide the sought after information. Opening the letter Mystere began reading. It said, "Mystere, I apologize for stealing your bong and three bags of weed. I couldn't help myself. Please accept as my apology the enclosed Astral Mushroom spores. Trust me, these will get you super high".
What followed were instructions on how to plant and grow the mushrooms. "Damn it" Mystere swore. "Why couldn't Pookie send me already grown mushrooms?". Mystere went out to the backyard. In the corner of the property was an old greenhouse, build by the previous owner. Mystere knew there were some bags of potting soil in there. He found some clay pots and scooped some of the dark, rich soil into them. Then he took the pots back inside.
Mystere opened the basement door. This was a dark damp place that would be perfect for growing mushrooms. Although it scared Mystere to go down here. There might be ghosts. Or one ghost, specifically. Flipping on the lights, Mystere carefully made his way down the stairs which creaked under his weight. Mystere placed the box containing the spores on a old wood table located in a corner of the basement. Along with the soil filled clay pots.
Mystere took one of the pots over to an ancient cast iron sink and ran some water over the soil, making sure it was good and damp. He opened one of the paper envelopes and sprinkled some of the spores over the moistened dirt, as per the hand written instructions. "That should do it" Mystere announced. Mystere glanced at an ice chest in the other corner of the basement. It was old, but still ran. Luckily.
Mystere didn't know where he'd keep his pizzas and ice cream sandwiches if it quit working. Also Chad's dead body. Mystere approached the freezer. It hummed loudly. Opening the lid, Mystere picked up some pizza boxes, just to check if Chad was still there. Mystere poked the body, which was wrapped in plastic. Chad was pretty solid by this time, having been frozen for over a year.
Mystere thought back to that day. His phone rang. Answering it, Mystere heard a voice say, "Mystere, it's me, Chad". Mystere was a little shocked, given that it had been almost a decade since he'd heard from his old boyfriend. "I thought you died from AIDS" Mystere replied icely. "No, I'm alive" Chad said. Silence. "I heard you got married" Chad said finally.
"You heard wrong. Unlike you, I'm not a fag" Mystere angrily replied. "Really? I heard you were cohabitating with the wrestler Rikishi". "Yes" Mystere confirmed. "For legal reasons we decided a contract would be best. Nothing wrong with two totally straight bros taking advantage of the fag marriage law to protect themselves. Legally speaking".
"You could have hired a lawyer to write you up a cohabitation agreement. As opposed to getting married" Chad interject. "Nah ah" Mystere countered. Silence. "So what the f*ck do you want, Chad" Mystere said after several seconds of uncomfortable silence. "I wanted to know if I could come see you" Chad explained.
"No. No way. I don't want to see you" Mystere answered. "I'm already here. I knocked on your front door but nobody answered. I saw Rikishi leave alone and figured you were probably inside the house". "Nope, I'm at the grocery store" Mystere lied. "Your car is in the driveway" Chad countered. "I went for a walk" Mystere lied again. "I'm looking right at you" Chad said, calling Mystere on his lie.
"Impossible. I'm in the bathroom sitting on the toilet. That's why I ignored the knocking". Then Mystere looked out the bathroom window and saw (to his shock) a face starring in at him. It was his ex boyfriend Chad. "Hi". Chad waved. Mystere hung up his phone. "Excuse me, I'm pooping" Mystere yelled at the face in the window. "Actually, it looks like you're m@sturbating" Chad remarked, peering in the window.
"I'm m@sturbating and pooping. Not that it's any of your business" Mystere replied angrily. "Is it ok if I just come in?" Chad asked. "I already tried the back door and it's open. I didn't want to barge in on you, however". "Sure. Come in through the back door. I'll meet you there". "OK. I'll do that" Chad said, then disappeared. Mystere quickly stood and pulled up his underwear and pants (without wiping). Then ran to the bedroom.
Mystere went to his knees and put his hands under the bed. Then he pulled out a metal box. After entering the combination (1-2-3-4-5) the box flipped open. Mystere pulled out his husband's gun, a black 9mm. Mystere tucked the gun into his waistband, then, after grabbing the silencer, headed to the back door.
Mystere entered the vestibule (off the kitchen) and immediately heard knocking. "Ok, I'm coming" Mystere yelled. "Can I come in?" Chad asked, opening the door. "Yeah, it looks like you're already doing that, Chad" Mystere replied. Chad shut the door behind him. "So, what is it, Chad?" an annoyed Mystere queried his unwelcome guest.
Dervy's TDS fantasy's realized... featuring "Super-Mushrooms"!
ReplyDeleteLOL! Poor Dervy! The 'shrooms got him tripping out.
DeleteEnemy of the People = tRump and the GOP
ReplyDeleteYou're just an adoring sheeple. Supporting that which is against your own self interest. Such are the tRumpanzees.
Our self-interest is for us to determine, not you. Those who would attempt to determine it for us are traitors to western civilization.
DeleteIt is the denial to human beings of the possibility of choice, the getting them into one's power, the twisting them this way and that in accordance with one's whim, the destruction of their personality by creating unequal moral terms between the gaoler and the victim, whereby the gaoler knows what he is doing, and why, and plays upon the victim, i.e. treats him as a mere object and not as a subject whose motives, views, intentions have any intrinsic weight whatever--by destroying the very possibility of his having views, notions of a relevant kind--that is what cannot be borne at all.
What else horrifies us about unscrupulousness if not this? Why is the thought of someone twisting someone else round his little finger, even in innocent contexts, so beastly (for instance in Dostoevsky's Dyadyushkin son [Uncle's Dream, a novella published in 1859], which the Moscow Arts Theatre used to act so well and so cruelly)? After all, the victim may prefer to have no responsibility; the slave be happier in his slavery. Certainly we do not detest this kind of destruction of liberty merely because it denies liberty of action; there is a far greater horror in depriving men of the very capacity for freedom--that is the real sin against the Holy Ghost. Everything else is bearable so long as the possibility of goodness--of a state of affairs in which men freely choose, disinterestedly seek ends for their own sake--is still open, however much suffering they may have gone through. Their souls are destroyed only when this is no longer possible. It is when the desire for choice is broken that what men do thereby loses all moral value, and actions lose all significance (in terms of good and evil) in their own eyes; that is what is meant by destroying people's self-respect, by turning them, in your words, into rags. This is the ultimate horror because in such a situation there are no worthwhile motives left: nothing is worth doing or avoiding, the reasons for existing are gone. We admire Don Quixote, if we do, because he has a pure-hearted desire to do what is good, and he is pathetic because he is mad and his attempts are ludicrous.
-Isaiah Berlin, "Letter to George Kennan"
But the rest of us are being negatively affected by the decisions his asshole you think should be in charge is making. Sorry, but a MAJORITY of us want him gone. As for being traitors to western civilization, you are the ones supporting a puppet of Putin. I'd say that makes you the traitors.
DeleteProof of allegations? You've had two years, where is it?
DeleteDon't fret SG. Proof is forthcoming. Unless the tRump GOP can figure out how to suppress and bury the TRUTH. Their forte.
DeleteYou mean like how the politicized Obama Justice Department spied on an opposition campaign?
Deletebtw - You need to find some way to break out of your "Go To Muh Russia" loop, NPC Men.
DeleteIt's annoying.
DeleteI Agree. You both ARE annoying.
DeleteWell JC, I did not say you shouldn't have a choice. Of course you should. And you have exercised that choice. You CHOSE your course. The American way, right?
DeleteI wish I could see the look on your face when you realize you've been duped sheeple.
It's not nearly as satisfyingly funny as watching you tilt at racist/sexist/homophobic windmills, though.
DeletePeople aren't going to stand for racist/sexist/homophobes like you any longer. Laugh it up while you can because your days are numbered.
DeleteLove your neighbor....unless he's a racist/sexist/homophobe. If he's all those things, number his days.
Deletebtw - Should you number his days if you only think he's all that, or must you know he's all that? And if it's the former, who's the fascist?
Delete...and if it's the latter, who is STILL the fascist?
DeleteI thought one of the major goals of the trumpers was to number the days of the globalists determining our trade policy? Have you changed your mind, or are you saying fascism is a good thing if utilized to achieve YOUR goals?
Deletebtw, we know you by your words and actions. And the days of yours that are numbered are your days of relevancy. Your comment makes it sound like I was referring to sending you to the gas chamber.
Outlawing corporate personhood is fascism? Numbering the days of corporate tax and liability advantages over sovereign individuals is fascism? Who knew that acting against artificial non-human state maintained legal entities could be considered "fascism"? I limit the days of NO globalists. Just corporate globalism.
DeleteI was responding to your absurd suggestion (re my comment concerning the days of the trumper racists having political influence being numbered) that THAT was somehow fascist. If saying NO to the racists is fascist, then why isn't saying NO to the globalists fascist?
DeleteFYI, I agree with getting rid of corporate personhood and corporate tax and liability advantages, I just don't see WHY we need to add racism to the mix. BTW, did you forget that tRump championed (and the republicans passed) a huge corporate tax cut? Or did you oppose that?
Because your racism eradication is purely IMAGINARY.
DeleteYou simply want to get rid of your political rivals for imaginary dogwhistles that only you and your allies can hear.
DeleteI agree. It is annoying when the Minus NPCs read from their fake news scripts. Like with this bullshit about the Justice Department under Obama "spying" on the Orange Turd campaign. As if Russian colluders should get a free pass if they're involved in a presidential campaign. Then the FBI should ignore their MANY Russian contacts. Even though running a political campaign is about convincing American voters and the foreign policy stuff only happens AFTER you win.
ReplyDeleteThen why use FBI contractors to make illegal NSA database searches on campaign members? ABusing our intelligence apparatus is un-American.
DeleteAnd why fake a dossier to get a FISA. ourt surveillance order. Fakes are as fakes do.
DeleteI'm not sure what you're talking about re FBI contractors making illegal NSA database searches on campaign members. Is this something imaginary like the "fake dossier"? Will you keep calling it fake after the tRump pee tape is released?
DeleteThey weren't?
DeleteRelease the pee tapes! I can't believe Comey forgot to leak those!
Since 85% of database searches were illegal, ya gotta wonder what the legit 15% were about.
DeleteDid "Tyler Durden" write the article, or was it really Brad Pitt?
DeleteWho cRes?
DeleteWhat I want to know is why did the FBI fail to stopping the Russia agent from becoming predisent? The expanded surveillance system put in place under bush definitely needs reforming. Big time. But, at the same time, it shouldn't be possible that candidates for office (due to their being candidates for office) get free passes to collude with foreign powers. Especially hostile ones. I'd say we've got to do something about that as well.
DeleteNow you want to stop Hillary from selling all our Uranium to Russia? Now?
DeleteHow could something that did not happen be stopped?
DeleteHey Dervish, did you or your boyfriend Dick Peyronie write this post?
ReplyDeleteI don't know anyone named "Dick Peyronie".
DeleteAre you sure, Dervish? I got intel that says you do. Perhaps it's a buddy of yours using an alias without you knowing it.
DeleteI tell you what: ask your blog buddy Mikey Perquinn if he knows Dick Peyronie. Maybe Dick Peyronie is an alias being secretly used by one of your liberal buddies. They'll naturally deny it to stay under the radar.
DeleteOn the other hand, perhaps that teenage boy who boinked you when you were 3 is using Dick Peyronie as an alias. He's still an active member of that snake worshipping mosque you attend. He shoved an orange rubber snake up your anus while changing your diapers one day in the nursery, telling you that Allah was now inside of you.
DeleteDon't worry Dervish. I don't interfere with ongoing investigations. I won't post anything about this on my blog sites, even though it's potentially amusing to your blog enemies who read my blogs without posting comments. It explains your fixation on orange colored turds. Apparently, you buried the incident of Dick Peyronie's queer advances against you in the back of your puny brain.
DeleteMystere, I suspect you're experiencing a repressed memory that you can't handle. Thus your subconscious is telling you it was me - instead of YOU - who was molested as a 3 year old by "Dick Peyronie". Your husband Rikishi should pay for you to see a psychologist. It might do you good. Rikishi must be aware that you are seriously mentally ill. I'm surprised he hasn't already suggested it to you.
DeleteHappy Thanksgiving Dervish. Hope you and yours have a blessed holiday!
ReplyDeleteI should probably add, here's wishing RN and Shaw a wonderful holiday as well. Happy Thanksgiving!
DeleteIt will be a very happy holiday season if Robert Mueller gives us gifts of indictments! I'm hearing that dumb-dumb Junior, Julian Assange, and Roger Stone could be charged soon. :)
DeleteWe're going to have to wait until January for the investigating to begin, however. :(
Happy Thanksgiving Dervish. And, Happy Thanksgiving to you as well Speedy G.
ReplyDelete:)
Delete