Greetings. Time for yet another post by me, Fartbreath Mystere (making it TWO in a row!). Today I shall revel a true fact about myself that very few people are aware of. That fact is that I originally hail from Uranus. I refer to the planet that smells like farts.
Now, you may believe that Uranus, being located so far away from the sun, is uninhabitable. Earth "scientists" say that Uranus is an ice giant and that it's atmosphere is composed primarily of hydrogen and helium. Having spent my formative years growing up on Uranus, I can reveal to you that this is fake news.
Uranus is actually very much like earth with a few exceptions. The primary exception being that the atmosphere is comprised primarily of methane. A good thing for us Urani, as all the methane caused a runaway greenhouse effect that warmed the planet. As for the source of this methane? You may think I joke, but the answer is farts. Not farts produced by the Urani people, but by an animal very much like your Earth cow.
My people, the "Urani", have learned to live by breathing cow farts. Instead of oxygen, Uranis such as myself breathe in methane and exhale some other gas. I am not a scientist, so don't ask me for any further details. Fresh, clean oxygen, such as you have here on earth, is offensive to the Urani nose. Which is why very few Urani (such as myself) can be found here, on Earth.
Now you may be wondering how someone born on Uranus could have possibly travelled to Earth. A journey that would take many years via traditional space travel. But I did not travel from Uranus to Earth via spaceship. It so happens that I was transported from Uranus (my home planet) to Earth in the blink of an eye via teleportation technology.
Not of my own free will, mind you, but because I was exiled. For being such an asshole. Among other reasons. Uranus is ruled by a one world Socialist government. It is an actual utopia. Free health care, free schooling through college and jobs (and income) for everyone. Yuck.
Here is some more news that you may find shocking, but a few decades ago (Earth years) a great man with orange skin attempted a coup. His name was Frederick Trump. Frederick Trump, because he tried to overthrow the Democratic Socialist ruling order, was the first Urani exiled to earth. That Urani man married an earth woman and that woman gave birth to our current President, Donald J. Trump.
So, my parents got swept up in a second revolution. A group of Urani who, inspired by the writings of Frederick Trump, decided the time was right to attempt a second coup. A coup that failed. My parents and their compatriots were put on trial. The verdict? Exil to Earth. For me as well, even though I was but a child. Not because I took place in the coup, but (like I said) just for being an asshole.
Now, I am but a simple moron, so I really have no idea how teleportation technology works. According to what I've heard, the technology somehow harnesses the power of the Van Halen Belt. The Van Halen Belt is similar to the Van Allen Belt, but different. In any case, this belt is the key that makes teleportation possible.
After my parents were found guilty, they (and I) were teleported to Earth (a one way trip). My parents and I then disguised ourselves as an Asian-American family. Something that was easy to do because Uranis are transmorphs. My parents decided that their last name would be "End0". And they also decided to call me "Edw@rd". "Fine by me" I said. Mystere is my Urani name, but would obviously be unusual for an Earth person.
In our true form Urani look very much like earthlings, but our skin is much oranger. Plus we have two buttholes. Also, like I said, we breath methane. Although farts will do the trick. The fact is that, without farts to imbibe, I would die. Humans need oxygen to live and the same is true of Urani and methane. Although Urani are able to "hold our breath" for hours at a time. I do like to carry with me a few farts (purchased on the black market), just in case.
| Wikipedia/Flatulence: A flexible tube, inserted into the rectum, can be used to collect intestinal gas in a flatus bag. This method is occasionally needed in a hospital setting, when the patient is unable to pass gas normally. |
My black market fart dealer does not ask why I'm buying farts (or what I'm using them for). I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm using them for sexual gratification. Instead of to live. Although the really smelly ones do tend to give me boners.
For the record, Donald Trump is only half-Urani. Explaining why his skin is so orange. With limited transmorph powers, he got as close to human-looking as he could. Although the doctors were quite shocked when he was born. They thought they were dealing with a seriously deformed baby.
Donald Trump knows socialism is evil. Why he decided to go down the same road as his father did on Uranus. Which would be to stop socialism by running for United States president. Luckily, with the help of Vladimir Putin, he was able to achieve his goal.
