Uranus Is My Home Planet

Greetings. Time for yet another post by me, Fartbreath Mystere (making it TWO in a row!). Today I shall revel a true fact about myself that very few people are aware of. That fact is that I originally hail from Uranus. I refer to the planet that smells like farts.

Now, you may believe that Uranus, being located so far away from the sun, is uninhabitable. Earth "scientists" say that Uranus is an ice giant and that it's atmosphere is composed primarily of hydrogen and helium. Having spent my formative years growing up on Uranus, I can reveal to you that this is fake news.

Uranus is actually very much like earth with a few exceptions. The primary exception being that the atmosphere is comprised primarily of methane. A good thing for us Urani, as all the methane caused a runaway greenhouse effect that warmed the planet. As for the source of this methane? You may think I joke, but the answer is farts. Not farts produced by the Urani people, but by an animal very much like your Earth cow.

My people, the "Urani", have learned to live by breathing cow farts. Instead of oxygen, Uranis such as myself breathe in methane and exhale some other gas. I am not a scientist, so don't ask me for any further details. Fresh, clean oxygen, such as you have here on earth, is offensive to the Urani nose. Which is why very few Urani (such as myself) can be found here, on Earth.

Now you may be wondering how someone born on Uranus could have possibly travelled to Earth. A journey that would take many years via traditional space travel. But I did not travel from Uranus to Earth via spaceship. It so happens that I was transported from Uranus (my home planet) to Earth in the blink of an eye via teleportation technology.

Not of my own free will, mind you, but because I was exiled. For being such an asshole. Among other reasons. Uranus is ruled by a one world Socialist government. It is an actual utopia. Free health care, free schooling through college and jobs (and income) for everyone. Yuck.

Here is some more news that you may find shocking, but a few decades ago (Earth years) a great man with orange skin attempted a coup. His name was Frederick Trump. Frederick Trump, because he tried to overthrow the Democratic Socialist ruling order, was the first Urani exiled to earth. That Urani man married an earth woman and that woman gave birth to our current President, Donald J. Trump.

So, my parents got swept up in a second revolution. A group of Urani who, inspired by the writings of Frederick Trump, decided the time was right to attempt a second coup. A coup that failed. My parents and their compatriots were put on trial. The verdict? Exil to Earth. For me as well, even though I was but a child. Not because I took place in the coup, but (like I said) just for being an asshole.

Now, I am but a simple moron, so I really have no idea how teleportation technology works. According to what I've heard, the technology somehow harnesses the power of the Van Halen Belt. The Van Halen Belt is similar to the Van Allen Belt, but different. In any case, this belt is the key that makes teleportation possible.

After my parents were found guilty, they (and I) were teleported to Earth (a one way trip). My parents and I then disguised ourselves as an Asian-American family. Something that was easy to do because Uranis are transmorphs. My parents decided that their last name would be "End0". And they also decided to call me "Edw@rd". "Fine by me" I said. Mystere is my Urani name, but would obviously be unusual for an Earth person.

In our true form Urani look very much like earthlings, but our skin is much oranger. Plus we have two buttholes. Also, like I said, we breath methane. Although farts will do the trick. The fact is that, without farts to imbibe, I would die. Humans need oxygen to live and the same is true of Urani and methane. Although Urani are able to "hold our breath" for hours at a time. I do like to carry with me a few farts (purchased on the black market), just in case.

Wikipedia/Flatulence: A flexible tube, inserted into the rectum, can be used to collect intestinal gas in a flatus bag. This method is occasionally needed in a hospital setting, when the patient is unable to pass gas normally.

My black market fart dealer does not ask why I'm buying farts (or what I'm using them for). I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm using them for sexual gratification. Instead of to live. Although the really smelly ones do tend to give me boners.

For the record, Donald Trump is only half-Urani. Explaining why his skin is so orange. With limited transmorph powers, he got as close to human-looking as he could. Although the doctors were quite shocked when he was born. They thought they were dealing with a seriously deformed baby.

Donald Trump knows socialism is evil. Why he decided to go down the same road as his father did on Uranus. Which would be to stop socialism by running for United States president. Luckily, with the help of Vladimir Putin, he was able to achieve his goal.

Post authored by Fartbreath Mystere's Eproctophilia Club, a White Nationalist/Trump-supporting phart sniffer. WYM-100.

Mystere Got Spooked

So, I recently noticed that Mystere deleted 5 of his blogs, including the blog where he authored a post that accused me of pedophilia. Imagine the brass balls this guy must possess, to attack a rich, powerful and respected Judge such as myself. LOL. I kid, of course. The real reason (one that is surely obvious to all), is that Mystere is an idiot.

Which is why I'm surprised it occured to Mystere that I could sue his ass. Something, in fact, I was planning on doing. Correction -- something I am STILL planning on doing. Mystere might think he can deny authoring posts on his blogs in which he attacks me with lies, but he is mistaken. The fact is that I have submitted legal documents to Blogger informing them that they need to turn over digital copies of Mystere's deleted blog posts. This evidence I will use when I file my lawsuit against the incredibly stupid individual who calls himself "Mystere" (although I know his real name).

Mystere, in an idiotic comment on the WYD blog, incorrectly asserted that I was, by threatening to go after him for his libelous statements, violating his 1st Amendment rights! Something the low IQ imbecile suggested I could be disbarred for. Sorry, Mystere, but that isn't how it works. The First Amendment does not give you the right to libel me on your blog. I advise you to hire a lawyer ASAP, because I plan on crushing you like a bug.

In court, I mean. When I am through with Mystere he will be begging for mercy. He will also be destitute. I guarantee Mystere will regret messing with me to the end of his days. I bet he wishes now that he had not followed the digital breadcrumbs and discovered my true identity and address. Although, given how stupid Mystere is, he probably doubts what I say. It will not be long before he finds out how wrong he is. It will not be long before Mystere finds out that he was right to get spooked.

But deleting your blogs won't save you, Mystere. Because Blogger keeps copies of recently deleted material. I contacted the President of Blogger and we had a long chat. After he called up the deleted material on his PC and read a few of Mystere's posts, he agreed that I had been libeled. "The person who uses the Blogger ID Mystere has clearly violated our TOS" the president of Blogger concluded. "And, if he had not already deleted the material himself, I would remove his blogs right now".

By the way, instead of being worried about Mystere having any nude selfies I might have taken and posted online while intoxicated, I recently discovered that it is Mystere who should be worried. Because I found HIS nude selfies. I had a hunch that Mystere might have posted such photos online. Specifically I did a search of gay hookup sites, and SURE ENOUGH I found many nude photos of Mystere.

Personally I wouldn't post pictures of my junk online if my assets were as underwhelming as Mystere's assets are. Will I email these photos to Mystere's parents? Probably not. I could change my mind, however. I seriously do not give a hoot about Mystere's sexuality. By which I mean the fact that he is gay. And married to another man.

Also apparently in the closet. You want to stay in the closet, Mystere? Stop threatening me and libeling me. Not that it matters, given that I doubt anyone reads your idiotic blog. But I need to put a stop to this on principal. I mean, a peabrain such as Mystere can not be allowed to get away with bad mouthing an august Judge like myself. Period.

Now, Mystere may laugh at me if this threatened lawsuit never materializes. To be clear, there is the possibility that I'm just yanking Mysytere's chain. He already deleted 5 blogs based on the possibility that what he wrote could get him into trouble. Thinking he might be sued could cause the little shit to piss his pants and/or soil himself. LOL.

But seriously, it is really worth my time to sue Mystere? It might be something to do just for fun. On the other hand, I have important cases to rule on and my time is valuable. Much too valuable to spend any of it crushing a scumbag like Mystere. Much as he might deserve it. And he surely does deserve to be taught a lesson.

Anyway, the point is that I might cut Mystere a break. So long as he doesn't resurrect his blogs and resume libeling me. The fact is that he was right to get spooked because I have the paperwork ready and am prepared to file my lawsuit. Also, eviscerating him in court would bring me a lot of joy. I'd even be willing to use vacation days to see it through.

Post authored by the anti-Trump Leftist Bastard Dervish Sanders. wym098.

I Really Hope Mystere Doesn't Have My Nude Selfies

On one hand, I think people would be very impressed with how shredded and incredibly jacked I am. Especially for a man of my age. On the other hand, how would it look for a Judge of my stature for pics of Mr. Happy to be out there? For a Judge to have the bad judgment to post images of his weiner online (even given how impressive it looks erect)? I'd be a laughingstock and possibly even lose my job.

I refer to the fact that the trumper who calls himself Mystere d0xed me on his blog. He followed the digital breadcrumbs and discovered my true identity and address. Something I blogged about a few posts back.

I did (after deleting the nude selfies) immediately contact my ex-girlfriend and plead with her to delete those pornographic videos she posted on Pornhub. But were the videos removed before Mystere found them? My ex, a hot blonde with a tight body and large bazooms, in addition to being a nymphomaniac, is also an exhibinist. I only found out later that she posted those videos of us having sex on the aforementioned website.

Of course I asked her to take them down at the time, but she refused. I didn't have a problem when I found out she was having sex with other women. Some of her girlfriends even joined us for a few threesomes. But, when I found out she was banging other guys? That's when I dumped her. She was angry with me and we didn't part on good terms.

Although, deep down I did realize that we wouldn't last, given the almost 30 year age difference. Now Barbara is mad at me, calling me foolish for allowing my ex to video our sexual encounters. Barbara hit the roof when she found out that I paid my ex 5k to get her to delete the Pornhub videos.

Barbara insisted that I pay her 5k as well! I guess I got off easy. At first she was insisting I move her out of her trailer home into someplace nice. For the record, Barbara is my sister and not my meemaw as Mystere guessed. At first Barbara had the idea that she'd move in with me and my current girlfriend. I told her "no way".

Not because she is an ex drug user and the black sheep of the family. I love my sister, but (having tried it before) us living together under one roof just doesn't work. My current gf (let's call her "Shannon") and Barbara also do not get along. That's why I moved her into the trailer home in Paris. One night (back when all three of us were cohabiting) Barbara walked in on Shannon and I having sex in the kitchen.

Barbara, having found God after kicking her drug habit, was disgusted that Shannon and I were engaging in "sodomy" (we were 69ing on the tiled floor). I shouldn't be with Shannon because she is a "sinner" and is corrupting me. At least that is the conclusion Barbara reached. Although she changed her mind when she found out about those videos of me and my ex on Pornhub. Luckily she didn't actually view any of them.

How did I get to be such a pervert? That's what Barbara demanded to know. She was livid. She was further disgusted when she found out that the person who d0xed me (Mystere) is a gay man married to another man. "The freak who d0xxed you is a fag?" she screamed at one point. Barbara was incredulous regarding Mystere being a tRump supporter. "Trump is a Godly man" she insisted. "Why would a fag support him"?

Another reason I don't want Barbara living with me. She is very prejudiced. Ironically, similar to how Mystere (a self-hating gay man) is bigoted against people who are gay (like him). After she threatened to tell Shannon about me paying my ex to take down those Pornhub videos... that's when I offered to pay her 5k as well.

So, in total, Mystere's d0oxing cost me 10 thousand dollars. Needless to say, I am not happy with him. Even though, after thinking about it, I am convinced it is quite unlikely that Mystere would have ever found those videos. Even though he likely has a Pornhub account, I'd guess that all he watches is gay porn. If memory serves, Mystere wrote on his blog once that he finds women's bodies to be "gross".

There is also the fact that Mystere is an idiot. He might be mentally challenged or a low functioning imbecile. Anyway, I'm glad that the videos of me and my ex girlfriend having sexual intercourse (as well as committing many acts of sodomy) are no longer online. Just think if anyone who knows me in real life had ever run across them? I'm kicking myself now. Realizing that this is something I should have dealt with a long time ago.

Post authored by the anti-Trump Leftist Bastard Dervish Sanders. wym097.